hoping doesn't make you skinnier.

so i had a relapse, albeit a minor one and now i am ready i think. Completely.
I want to be thin so badly, I want to be the girl who has the body every other girl wants, and I am determined to have it.
Summer 2011. I will be perfect.

home again.

well, i'm home.
and skinnier it seems!

holiday wasn't hard at all, like i presumed it would be.
i didn't like much of the food offered and so, yayyyy, no temptations :)
lost 4lbs.

happy happy laura. :)

hurting.

so here's the thing. i have the most wonderful boyfriend who insists he loves me just as i am and who consistantly vents his frustrations to me about my apparent hatred of my body.
i try my hardest to hide my internal disgust of myself from him but he can read me so well, no matter how hard i try it's never close enough to conceal my feelings.
truly, i understand that he only asks me how much i weigh, what i eat, how often i eat etc. because he's concerned but the more concerned he gets the further away i'm pushed.

i've always been the girl who, when someone says "don't draw on the walls" i'll be the first to find the biggest blackest permanent marker, so his controlling nature of the situation only stimulates me to carry on and even though i know it sounds completely insane (even to myself) i can't help but eat less the more he tells me to eat more. i have always been mistrusting of any authority and this is what i feel like with my boyfriend now. he ttreats me as though he's my parent, and i can't stand it.

sometimes, when i let my guard down i can see how selfish i'm being but, contrary to the last remark i made about disobeying orders i have always been the one caring for others, so this, my vice, is also the key to my happiness. the one selfish act in my life, i'm doing this for me.

the one person that has always taken 99% control of my life, Ana, is finally completely in control. She is my best friend and my worst enemy and she is the elephant in the room when I'm with Charlie. I can't escape her and she won't leave me, so, for now at least, we are one and the same and if charlie doesn't like her then there's not much i can do. She is the Jekyll to my Hyde and there isn't anything i can (or want to) do to change that.

i am content with wwho i am inside at the moment, the increase in self-control is what is making me stronger. the power to say "no" is working in all aspects of my life and i'm not out to please everyone else in my life anymore. this is what will makeme happy in myself and if that shows a change in me then that's what my friends and family will have to suffer, or, if they find me now unbearable to be around, they can leave.
of course this will hurt me but, as long as i have Ana, then i can make it through anything.

i am a rock, nothing will break me.

puerto rico.

tomorrow i go on holiday to, you guessed it, Puerto Rico.
that meeans bikini.
i'm not sure if i can deal with this right now.

I just had a massive binge and i hate myself. i'm disgusted with what i've just put into my body but i'm too scared to purge as last time i did i drew up blood.
please, someone help me... i don't know what i can do. i can't forget about food, it's all-consuming and i find that sometimes i can focus on nothing else.

i think tomorrow i will start over completely, i'm going to try my hardest to just stay away from food all together.
i'm going to take everyday one day at a time.
only water from now on.
it's all or nothing.

the 10 commandments.

1)Drink water! This is the #1 rule for both ana and mia. It fills you up when you are hungry and makes purging easier. The general rule is also that hot water fills you up more and ice cold water helps you to burn more calories since it lowers your body temperature so your body has to work harder to stay warm.

2)Chew sugar free gum or mints constantly. I am never without one or the other in my mouth. The benefits are endless: it kills cravings, keeps your mouth full so you can’t binge, burns calories by chewing, peppermint flavors suppress appetites, and prevents bad breath if you are in ketosis.
*Tea of Coffee are an Ana’s best friend. Drink with NO CREAM OR MILK and artificial sweetener ONLY. Tea is especially great because it comes in so many different flavors and is calorie free, as opposed to black coffee which has an albeit small amount. The caffeine is also great for raising metabolism.

3)Cut food into tiny pieces. Put your fork down between bites. Chew everything a certain number of times. Eat in patterns.
Develop systems of eating. All of this helps to make food a mere object rather than the devil itself.
*Take a sip of water or other calorie-free liquid between each bite. You feel full much faster, partially because the body
often mistakes thirst for hunger, so by drinking, one actually reduces the amount of food their body needs to eat.

4)Do not ever eat anything you do not know the exact amount of calories in. Sometimes you can fool yourself into thinking you’ve eaten less than you have. Remember, numbers do not lie.

5)Track progress by measurements and not the scale alone. Scales are affected by everything from the weather to the time of day, but the numbers on a measuring tape are affected by nothing except the actual size of your body.

6)Keep a food diary. Start your own pro-ana page. Anything that keeps your mind off food.

7)When you want to eat, exercise for at least 15 minutes first. Appetite gone, calories burned.

8)Buy a pair of expensive jeans at least one size too small. Try them on right before you eat. You will either not want to eat or will eat less. When you lose enough weight to fit into them properly, reward yourself by buying another pair, again one or two sizes too small.

9)Eat low-calorie foods with very intense flavors. Often times you just crave taste. Chili peppers, anything pickled, peppermints, and very concentrated bullion (make it with half the water recommended) are all good options.

10) Make a list of foods I can't eat, if i want them, make it then pour something vile on it. Eat it and voila! appetite dissolved.

fuck fuck.
still 8st1.
fuck fuck fuckidy fuck.

hell yes.

it seems as though my hard work is paying off, everyone!
8st 1 and happy today.

gotta keep it up.

8st2.

So, this morning I stepped onto the scales and to my utter surprise I am still 8st2. I say utter surprise because, due to my deluded, over crowded, assuming mind I thought that I had put on at least 10st.
Obviously I didn't.

So technically I should be pleased right? No. I'm not.
Still 1st to go.
Starvation starts today.

Hello grapefruit!

It all starts now.

Hey everyone,

So this is my very first blog ever and I'm actually quite excited for it, although I have no idea who I'm speaking to right now, whether it be anyone at all it still feels quite extraordinary to have someone to reach out to about all this.
I know that I'm going to have as many fans as I am haters with this, maybe even more of the latter, but who cares? Because, in reality i will know none of you and I'm truly doing this for myself.

So today I started off really well, a bowl of all-bran and a grapefruit.
Then everything pretty much went CAPUT and now I really want to throw it all up, but I can't. It's been digested and I feel like crying. I know tomorrow I will pay for the roast dinner, cheesecake slice and scone I just ate.

This is going to be a sort of diary, of my food intake and my feelings towards it, it's going to be my wall of steel to lean against when I feel like I need to reach for the Snickers, my way of coping with the hunger pangs. All I want is to be thin, so thin that I can see my bones and if I have to fast to do this then that's what I intend to do.
I hope that you can all enjoy this with me, and I hope that this will be support for all of you out there with the same mindset as me.
We all have a choice here and I know what mine is.
I'm starting at 8st2.4 (115lbs) and I plan to be 7st exactly by July.
I'll keep you all posted on my progress. I will do this, hopefully you'll join me.

Food is bad, Fat is EVIL.