i try my hardest to hide my internal disgust of myself from him but he can read me so well, no matter how hard i try it's never close enough to conceal my feelings.
truly, i understand that he only asks me how much i weigh, what i eat, how often i eat etc. because he's concerned but the more concerned he gets the further away i'm pushed.
i've always been the girl who, when someone says "don't draw on the walls" i'll be the first to find the biggest blackest permanent marker, so his controlling nature of the situation only stimulates me to carry on and even though i know it sounds completely insane (even to myself) i can't help but eat less the more he tells me to eat more. i have always been mistrusting of any authority and this is what i feel like with my boyfriend now. he ttreats me as though he's my parent, and i can't stand it.
sometimes, when i let my guard down i can see how selfish i'm being but, contrary to the last remark i made about disobeying orders i have always been the one caring for others, so this, my vice, is also the key to my happiness. the one selfish act in my life, i'm doing this for me.
the one person that has always taken 99% control of my life, Ana, is finally completely in control. She is my best friend and my worst enemy and she is the elephant in the room when I'm with Charlie. I can't escape her and she won't leave me, so, for now at least, we are one and the same and if charlie doesn't like her then there's not much i can do. She is the Jekyll to my Hyde and there isn't anything i can (or want to) do to change that.
i am content with wwho i am inside at the moment, the increase in self-control is what is making me stronger. the power to say "no" is working in all aspects of my life and i'm not out to please everyone else in my life anymore. this is what will makeme happy in myself and if that shows a change in me then that's what my friends and family will have to suffer, or, if they find me now unbearable to be around, they can leave.
of course this will hurt me but, as long as i have Ana, then i can make it through anything.
i am a rock, nothing will break me.
